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on September 26, 2011

Brokenness. It seems to be the thread that began to weave through
my life somewhere around 6th grade, which is when I began my
journey with Christ. Up until then, I had been living a “Cinderella
Life” in every area of my life.

Brokenness, as a result of having a rough social life at school, (though most never knew about it) is what led me to be a goal driven young lady.  I became involved and successful, academically and my face could be found in many activities in the high school yearbook. I carried with me from school trophies, ribbons, plaques and awards in many shapes and sizes. I had even achieved the envied Salutatorian rank at graduation. I owe a lot of gratitude to loving parents, who got me through the rough times though they really never knew about my rough times.

Brokenness is what brought young ladies to the music room while I was practicing for the programs I was preparing to play for. Practicing in the music room also gave me an excuse to get away from people who drove me there and I loved playing the piano.

And I really began to love the visits from the broken girls as they poured out their hearts to me, sharing secret treasures with me that they couldn’t share with anyone else. Maybe the soft background of music playing somehow drowned out the fact that I was actually there. I never did share their secrets. I think I just gave them a place of refuge, even for a few minutes. I still think of them as sisters.

Brokenness is what I experienced time after time when it came to guys. All I wanted to do was find a nice guy, settle in and have children. All of my friends were getting married, but it was not to happen for me for a few years that felt like an eternity. Oh, the brokenness of not walking the aisle.

Brokenness in my dad’s voice is what really got my attention. He had just given his heart and life to Jesus and I heard it in his voice. The phone was as crackly as his voice. I had rarely heard or seen my dad cry. I knew this was real and Jesus was calling out to me through my dad’s brokenness. My life was going well. I had a good job in my chosen profession. I had a boyfriend, a good car, a nice apartment and a fun roommate. I was a good person, but I had slowly drifted away from Jesus and deep down I knew it. His brokenness just had to come in and ruin my fun. I couldn’t shake it.

Brokenness, 6 months later is what began to happen again in my life. It started with a broken car, my job was falling apart and a broken relationship. Broken dreams everywhere I turned. But, that is what drew me back to Christ. Yes, I ended up losing my job, but it was fine, by then I had surrendered my life back to Christ and knew He had everything under control. I got a new job where I could walk to work. I had a new set of friends, a great church and a new joy that was unspeakable and full of glory.

Brokenness is what I found in the heart of the man with a broken body. I would fall in love with him and spend my life with him. .

Brokenness is what brought me to my knees as I was discovering the pain of a marriage with many unresolved brokenness issues. But my joy was in Jesus, and in my relationship with Him. Brokenness is what taught me to love with the compassion and love of Jesus. I was strong in character thanks to the brokenness I had experienced in school. I was an over comer thanks to the hours I had spent reading the Bible and on my knees before the Lord. Our marriage, 25 years later has become one of character, strong unshakeable love and dedication to God and each other (and might I add that open communication is a key component in a marriage.)

Brokenness that accompanies a heart where there are no cooing babies, no cute dresses or cute little booties would become a reality in our home. No first steps, no “mom look at mes” ,  no “vroom,
vroom” sounds. Just the sound of 2 adults. I still had that joy in my heart, but now there was a lump in my throat that wouldn’t go away.

Nine long years later, we would have the joy of holding our 1st of  2 children. Abigail was finally in our arms and hearts and what a Father’s joy she is. Five years after she was born John Isaac would bring warmth and joy into our home. They are now 16 and 11. Life has not been easy for them, but they are healthy and loved.

Brokenness is a part of life for Pat and I. Our truck broke down on the way home from our honeymoon. We have had broken dreams
time after time in our marriage. We have always had a dream to own our own house. There is either not enough money, there is not the peace of God to move or there is a credit problem. We have experienced difficulty and brokenness in just about every area for so many years that we are both just tired. I used to work full time and then part time and then temporary or substitute jobs as his
condition worsened over the years.

We have struggled to provide for our family from home businesses that just fall apart time after time. Most people can just get money out of their savings and have things fixed. We live on a limited income and have to wait on God and pray or ask for help from relatives.

Brokenness used to be fun for me, as I would watch with anticipation for the next thing to break. I knew that God had something waiting right around the corner. I realized yesterday I don’t feel that way any longer. I am tired. I still love Jesus. I still know He is going to provide. But I am no longer filled with anticipation for the next thing to break. I am tired of broken things and not having enough and once again I am broken.

I am mostly broken for our children. They are blessed in many ways through the grace and mercy of God, through unexpected sources and loving friends and my loving parents and brother. But, we would love to be the ones who provide for our children. They are grateful kids, but I know our daughter too is tired. She has already experienced a life of brokenness.

What we need is a breakthrough. I told God last night. If it is something I am doing wrong please just tell me I’ll do it right. I just can’t do it any more. I don’t know if I will be much of a witness because I just feel like a gopher in the gopher game at Chuck E Cheese. As soon as we get our head up a mallet comes along and bangs us back down. I don’t feel that this is God getting any glory. I feel that it is time for a change in a lot of things. I am determined to see the good things God has in store for us.

If you would like to join me in praying for my family please do so. My husband is a good man and has Muscular Dystrophy. He was supposed to be in a wheelchair at 18 and dead by the age of 20. He is now 56, loves the Lord and his family. He is a survivor and rarely complains. But I think he is starting to feel the way I am feeling. Enough is Enough!

I am praying for his broken body to be healed, our broken dream of owning a house to become a reality and for a job done from home that will flourish for both of us.  I want to pay off my parent’s debts for helping us for so many years. I want to be able to pay all of our credit cards off from trying to do businesses from home. I want to be able to pay our kids school every month on time because they are so good to us and that is where the Lord led us to place them. I want to thank every person in the right way who has helped us so generously over the years and I want to be free from dependence on the government.

Brokenness as always, is driving me to excel and as I sit here typing I realize it is once again building character.  This time I just need a little bit of help. I know it may sound crazy to some just like it probably looked to others over the years. I have great faith that God can provide only this time provide a way so that we can take care of things ourselves. This started out as just feelings from my heart. Then I though maybe I could post in on my blog. Now I am thinking it is a little bit of both. But it is time to come out and ask for prayer, help and support. Please share this with your friends is you feel inclined to do so.


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